Unfortunately Not a Real Pony

I've been assigned the task of herding cats making sure my coworkers get their documentation done, and I've long since lost track of how many times they've asked "when do you need this by?"

I don't need this at all. You need this to do your job. And you need this yesterday.

Searched "vegetarian restaurant in [the hip liberal neighborhood I work in]".

The results: a restaurant (named after a meat dish) that happens to have a couple of vegetarian options, a fast food place that thinks "plant based" means you have two vegetables on your meat, and a vegan place that specializes in $20 smoothies.

I'm going to suggest the last one for our next team event, because for shit's sake I'm sick of having a maximum of two food choices at these things, but... what the fuck.

Me, when I've spent fifteen minutes doing complex math: "Back of the envelope calculation, it's 76.284952601%."

A meeting discussing the project I've been leading for the last two years: awkward and uncomfortable.

None of the speakers know what my pronouns are: hilarious.

I logged into my work laptop at 8 AM and promptly started working on my report.

"Last edited 13 hours ago."

Why was my manager editing this at 7 PM.

Me: I could really go for a bagel right now.

Mass email from the admin: Hey everyone! Come get bagels in the break room!

When my last job got stressful to all hell, all my muscles seized up in pain but my digestive system was fine.

Now that this job is stressful to all hell, my muscles are fine but my digestive system is a wreck.

I don't understand.

With every long-term, full-time job I've had, somewhere around 12-18 months I get deeply burned out: I get cynical and stop caring about what I'm doing.

I'm aware of this pattern, I saw it coming a mile away this time, and I STILL can't figure out what to do about it.

My manager would be a lot less impressed by the speed at which I write reports, protocols, and presentations if he knew most of my writing process is "make a copy of the previous one I wrote, make the few changes that need to be made".

Once again wowing my team with my superpower: reliable executive function.