People: Theo Van Gogh supported his brother Vincent emotionally and financially for years, and my brother won't even text me back!

Me: My siblings spent years suicide baiting me and to this day "don't understand" why I stopped texting them back, so maybe take a look at yourself and ask, am I Theo Van Gogh, or am I the asshole who thinks siblings are my personal punching bag?
palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( May. 24th, 2022 03:36 pm)


[Image description: a Bingo card titled "I made a blorbo..."

Row 1: wacky found family, always well-dressed, supernatural powers, knowledgeable in the most unusual subjects, always about half a second from a nervous breakdown.

Row 2: addict, sesquipidalian loquaciousness, large eccentric collection, unusual philosophical/religious views, left home under unpleasant circumstances.

Row 3: lost loved one too soon in horrible way, has both ability and desire to beat you up but chooses not to, FREE space: disabled queer ethnic/species minority, takes any excuse to happily infodump, most competent person in the room at any given moment.

Row 4: normal social rules = does not compute, nice hair, desperate for attention/affection/affirmation, tries to be better than upbringing/past, unusual nonhuman companion.

Row 5: exaggerated emotional affect, awful family of origin, violent tendencies, tends to ramble, suicide attempt.

End ID.]

I categorized the most common characteristics of my OCs and then my hand slipped (repeatedly).

palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( Sep. 16th, 2021 09:15 pm)
I'm trying to think of the most damaging fact about me that my father knows and could use to ruin my life... and it's kind of sad that despite how many reputation-destroying identities and behaviors I've had in my life, the only ones that he knows (that I abused drugs and was hospitalized for suicide attempts) are things that I've outright told many people, and which plenty more can easily guess.
palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( Jun. 22nd, 2021 01:16 pm)
You spend five years recovering from disordered eating and exercise and FINALLY learn to be okay with your body, nourish it, take care of it, to look at yourself in the mirror without wanting to claw your face off.

And all people can focus on is that you're now a great big thirty year old fatty instead of the svelte (and suicidally miserable) teen you used to be.
palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( Jun. 13th, 2021 11:08 am)
"It's not okay to make fun of disability, but of course when I make fun of (symptom of disability) by (person I don't like) it's fine because I KNOW they're not REALLY disabled" was literally my mother's argument for why it was okay to suicide bait her fourteen year old child.

Seeing the exact same argument used by Good Proper Leftists is... infuriating, disappointing, frustrating, terrifying, excruciating, and depressing.
palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( Jun. 10th, 2021 08:10 pm)
I'm not entirely sure what kind of benefit I (a survivor of multiple suicide attempts) am supposed to be getting when people censor it to s*****e or whatever, but I am definitely not getting it.
Tags:
palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( May. 11th, 2021 09:06 pm)
Me: Another parent committing a murder-suicide with their child? Why would someone do that?

Brain: Remember when we were fourteen, and our mother said that if we and our future partner had an unwanted pregnancy, we were to give the baby to her instead of getting an abortion, and we decided we'd rather jump off a cliff than hand a baby to HER?

Me: ...oh.
My suicide hospitalizations (yeah, that's plural) cost more than three years of therapy and antipsychotics.

I am incandescent with rage. Just. Friggin. Could have avoided the trauma and saved money by getting me mental healthcare before my life totally imploded!
palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( Feb. 10th, 2020 06:21 pm)
I don't know why, but I really love the "soldier keeps throwing themself into deadly situations in war because they want to die but instead they keep surviving and getting more and more honors" trope.

...it's a really specific but also really common one.
palominocorn: A rearing palomino unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail, standing in front of a genderqueer symbol. (Default)
( Jan. 21st, 2020 01:53 pm)
Believe it or not (you probably do believe it), I wasn't born a misanthropic shut-in.

I was a cheerful kid. I'd go up to strangers with a big smile on my face and start chattering. I spent a lot of time running around while shrieking with delight, or giggling unstoppably while playing with my toys. If I had just my mother's word on this, I'd assume she was lying, but no - my grandma, aunt, and two much older cousins all agree that I was a really happy kid.

The thing is, I have no memory of this. By the time my memory consistently worked (around age six), I was miserable all the time, terrified of people, and moody. I started to self-harm at this point, and thinking of suicide shortly afterward.

I didn't get competent, consistent treatment until I was 22.5.
My mother was insistent that, if I was staying home from school because I was sick, then I was not allowed to do anything fun, her thinking being that if I was well enough to sit up and play Age of Empires on the computer, then clearly I was well enough to get on the bus, walk around the school, pay attention in class, and not get the rest of the students sick.

She bragged to her friends about how she let her kids have mental health days, but the only time I got one of those was when the school sent me home and said I couldn't come back until I got a doctor's note saying I was better.
People jokingly telling each other "go kill yourself" over things like linguistic differences or which breed of dog is the best or that sort of little stuff is... reaaaaaaally uncomfortable, for me, because in between me getting diagnosed and me getting something remotely resembling professional help were four years of "haha Mino's sooooo crazy, he should try to cut his veins with a spoon" from my siblings.
Tags:
Having to hear that my mental health problems make me an inherent danger to children is really awful, considering that I'd straight-up rather slit my own wrists than abuse a kid.

And then when you consider that my mental health problems happened because I was abused as a kid...
.

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