(no subject)

[palominocorn]

A fun (/s) way in which my parents and siblings abused me was by nitpicking everything I said.

So if I complained "ugh, it's freezing outside" they would check the temperature, and if it was actually 2 °C they would yell at me for being wrong and lying to them and why was I such a horrible idiot and liar?

I'm not sure what their intent was, but the end result was that I don't speak to them and also I tend to overexplain. "It's freezing, okay, I don't know that it's actually freezing, but it feels extremely cold and the puddles outside are all frozen so I guess it has to be freezing."

Comments

[yvannairie]

Eyyy my mom did this too! Usually only when I was expressing complex opinions, though. She said she was "challenging" me to get me to develop as a thinker but in practice being browbeat by an adult from 12 to 20 made me move out ASAP afterwards and not talk to her for a year. The only reason we're talking now is because I learned to browbeat her right back, and it made me realise that even if I had had a point back then, she would have never admitted it due to her own baggage from having this same thing done to her as a kid.

[palominocorn]

Jesus, I'm sorry that she did that to you. I hope that's working out okay - I know I can't ever safely talk to my immediate family. I know my grandparents did it to my father, and probably my grandfather's parents did it to him too (my great grandmother had that personality, definitely).

No one ever gave a reason, but my mother did complain that the rest of us were "scorched earth, argue to win" types (like she wasn't...) and I suspect it stems from deep insecurity and self-loathing and the short term experience of feeling better when putting others down.

[yvannairie]

It's a very strange experience living with the knowledge that some of your harm is the result of someone else's harm. My mom is honestly really cool, and she has been working on herself, and our relationship is much better than some of the parental relationships in my immediate circle, but I'm also viscerally aware that somehow, my granddad is the reason I don't have a close relationship to my mom or my (adopted) dad. By the time mom remarried, it was kind of too late for us. Neither of us knew what a good parental relationship looked like, and even having his family model some for us didn't end up helping. Our relationship now is good, it's fine, but the moment it stopped being a kid and their mom and became two adults who are related, it got better.

[palominocorn]

Oh, I can relate - I can trace my own damage back five generations on my father's side of the family.

I'm sorry that you got this mess instead of the loving parental relationship you should've gotten as a kid.

[yvannairie]

Likewise. I appreciate the sympathy and I'm glad me and mom have managed to reform that relationship. I'd say I'd wish you the same but like frankly I Do Not -- in fact, I'm kinda at "fistfight Mino's entire extended family" -- so I'm sparing my vibes for positive future relationships for you instead.

[palominocorn]

My extended family does have several perfectly decent people I have cordial relationships with (my mother's two siblings, their kids, and their kids). They don't come up much because "I had a nice conversation with my cousin about knitting and food, then my nephew came to the call and asked me a million questions about the US" isn't something I feel the need to talk about.

[yvannairie]

Oh, that's actually super relieving to hear. I don't talk to any of my family on any side, pretty much, except occasionally my queer cousin, and that's so she knows she's not alone.