(no subject)

[palominocorn]

yvannairie asked for an analysis of how bullies pick their targets, and it's too unwieldy as a reply so here it is. I'll preface this by saying that some of this I read in various research studies and psych books, some I got from firsthand accounts of both victims and (unrepentant) bullies, and some is from my own experience as a recovering Socially Awkward Obnoxious Weirdo who was bullied for that. Also, my experience is in a mostly-rich, ostensibly progressive, multiracial school in the US, so, adapt as needed.

A major thing - the thing without which no analysis of bullying makes sense - to point out is that most bullying is done on the basis of existing power structures. The majority of victims are neurodivergent (though not necessarily openly or even knowingly). Being queer, poor, physically disabled, from a non-dominant ethnicity, etc, are all things that bullies pick up on.

You know how sometimes you meet someone and you can just tell that they're ND/queer/etc without them saying or doing anything explicit? Well, neurotypical/straight/etc people can do that to, oftentimes, except they don't make the "hmm, sits funny, really likes Coronation Street, doesn't make eye contact, must be autistic" connection - they (typically subconsciously) think "ugh, this person is WEIRD, and weirdness is annoying and vulnerable, they would make easy prey".

And of course, poverty, race/ethnicity/religion, fatness, and many other marginalizations can be very obvious.

For bullies, being different, which frequently overlaps with being marginalized in some way, is bad, and badness should be punished. They typically have a very authoritarian, just-world fallacy view of the world. If you have power, then it's because you deserve to have it. If you're disempowered, it's because you deserve to be. So for a lot of bullies, the simple fact that you're being bullied is a sign that you did something to deserve it, and they know, at least subconsciously, that convincing you that you deserve it is one way to break your will to fight back, so they will try to make you believe it as well.

These points are why things like "gay" and "autistic" and other neutral identity descriptors are insults that bullies frequently use: because they know that gay and autistic people are disempowered, and therefore they are bad. If you actually are the identity they're using as an insult, that's even better, because they can often tell that they've hit you in a vulnerable place, and vulnerability = weakness = moral failing = something they can hurt you with.

Like I said: authoritarian belief system. It's a system in which having as much power as possible is paramount, and if you step out of line (the line of social convention, which is one that us Socially Awkward Irritating Weirdos are terrible at walking, due to brain stuff or an upbringing that didn't teach us social norms or plain old inability), then they descend on you - to take whatever power you have (or are perceived as having), and also to demonstrate their own power by hurting you. Because in authoritarianism, hurting people = power, and kindness = weakness.

And if something you do is objectively kind of crappy in socially unsanctioned ways (me, I was possessive to the point of smothering and also kind of stalkerish toward friends), that's just another reason you "deserved" to be bullied because you were breaking the rules of society. And the same way that a poor person can have their life ruined for doing something bad that a rich person gets only a slap on the wrist for, a bully can get away with breaking rules that a victim will get utterly trashed for.

So the things that a lot of us Socially Awkward Obnoxious Weirdos have that bullies pick up on:

• vulnerability, which means they assume they can hurt us easily
• some form of deviation from the norm, which makes us "acceptable" targets in their eyes and, often, the eyes of society at large
• a perceived lack of power, which leads to the presumption that we won't fight back (at three separate points in high school, I physically struck - very painfully in each case - three different bullies, and all three of them stopped immediately after the incident because I was no longer a "safe" target)
• behavior that may be actually bad or may be fine but socially unsanctioned which they latch onto as an "excuse"

A very important thing I also want to discuss is the role of teachers, counselors, school administrators, and (if your school had them) security/cops. Because absolutely NONE of this would happen if it wasn't for their encouragement - which they typically signal by not doing anything about it, or by outright encouraging it, such as by laughing or even joining in.

The fact of the matter is that staff also typically subscribe to the above beliefs. Add to this "anti-bullying" campaigns that are just dressed up victim blaming, woefully awful education on disability (and often none on any other form of marginalization, except maaaaybe some stuff on gender from sixty years ago), the crap life of being a teacher and having no real outlets for that crappiness leading to using your students as a pressure release valve and... well.

You know how men who want to hurt people while also being affirmed as ~heroes~ in their masculinity become cops and soldiers? Women who want the female equivalent of that become nurses... and teachers. (Being affirmed by hegemonic masculinity/femininity is also a factor for the bullies, but I haven't fully pulled my thoughts together on that one yet.)

Feel free to ask for clarification on anything, y'all, I'll get to it when I have both time/energy and access to a reasonable keyboard (not my phone).

Comments

[yvannairie]

This is very interesting. I'm not sure what to comment on the most, but this makes me. Think things.

[palominocorn]

I'm glad! It is a lot to process, so take your time.

[stardust_rifle]

Oh, this is. Interesting. First piece about bullying that acknowledges "bullies pick on people they perceive as weak" without going into "and that's why it's the victim's fault, because if they weren't weak, then they wouldn't get bullied".

Also interested in how "non-marginalized" weirdness plays into this- like I remember a lot of kids getting bullied simply b/c they liked anime, and even a self-admitted bully of mine saying that it's perfectly natural that anime fans should get bullied because their interests are PATHETIC and WEIRD

but like? I can't really pinpoint that to any sort of marginalization except tangentially.

[palominocorn]

I know the expression is "don't mistake kindness for weakness" but I also wish more people would say "and don't mistake weakness for a moral failing" because while strength (mental, emotional, and physical) is a great thing to have, it's not actually the mark of a bad person to lack it.

With the anime, I'll TL;DR it to two points and then expand on them if you'd like more of my thoughts:
1. Liking anime (in the US, at least) is considered socially deviant for a variety of reasons you're probably more familiar with than I am, and social deviance is bad under this authoritarian mindset.
2. While "liking anime" isn't a marginalized class, it is *associated* with marginalized groups (Japanese folks and ND people mostly) and bigotry (even the covert bigotry that pretends it's super progressive and non-bigoted) does not care whether you're *actually* marginalized or just too close to it. (See also: theater kids and queerness, nerds and autism, very definitely straight dudes who enjoy makeup and fashion.)

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

People who "like anime" also tend to be really into it. People who have casually seen an anime or two but who don't really think to bring it up are fine. People who "can't shut up" about their interests get marked as acceptable bullying targets.

While that does tie in with like neurodivergence and special interests, there's also a culturally "acceptable" threshold for what interests are reasonable versus abnormal and what's the proper amount of investment to place in those. For example, people who live, breathe, and love their jobs are also considered freaks, even though it's generally acceptable to like your job. I think having strong investment in stuff is a vulnerability that bullies like to prey on, because obviously if you care passionately about something, it's easy to exploit.