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I talked to my partner about it, and it turns out that a lot of the things I internalized as "how I've always been, unfortunately"... aren't.
Turns out that a lot of my more unfortunate tendencies only developed in the three years around my psychotic break.
My utter refusal to suffer other people? Nope, I was pretty willing. My judginess? Apparently I was less judgy than the average person. My general anger and rudeness at everyone? Turns out I was pretty decent to most people back then.
I don't really know how it happened, that I took the traits of who I became after and projected them on the person I was before. I guess that's a common psychological quirk?
I don't know. Maybe if I wasn't always a big ball of loathing, I can stop being one by putting the work in. I'll have to start by excising these things from my self-image, I think.
It would be nice to actually feel kindness and acceptance toward other people rather than just performing it.
Maybe I'm not doomed to turn into my father.
Turns out that a lot of my more unfortunate tendencies only developed in the three years around my psychotic break.
My utter refusal to suffer other people? Nope, I was pretty willing. My judginess? Apparently I was less judgy than the average person. My general anger and rudeness at everyone? Turns out I was pretty decent to most people back then.
I don't really know how it happened, that I took the traits of who I became after and projected them on the person I was before. I guess that's a common psychological quirk?
I don't know. Maybe if I wasn't always a big ball of loathing, I can stop being one by putting the work in. I'll have to start by excising these things from my self-image, I think.
It would be nice to actually feel kindness and acceptance toward other people rather than just performing it.
Maybe I'm not doomed to turn into my father.