(no subject)

[palominocorn]

I talked to my partner about it, and it turns out that a lot of the things I internalized as "how I've always been, unfortunately"... aren't.

Turns out that a lot of my more unfortunate tendencies only developed in the three years around my psychotic break.

My utter refusal to suffer other people? Nope, I was pretty willing. My judginess? Apparently I was less judgy than the average person. My general anger and rudeness at everyone? Turns out I was pretty decent to most people back then.

I don't really know how it happened, that I took the traits of who I became after and projected them on the person I was before. I guess that's a common psychological quirk?

I don't know. Maybe if I wasn't always a big ball of loathing, I can stop being one by putting the work in. I'll have to start by excising these things from my self-image, I think.

It would be nice to actually feel kindness and acceptance toward other people rather than just performing it.

Maybe I'm not doomed to turn into my father.

Comments

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

Living a first person perspective makes it difficult to see change in yourself--it's easier to see the world changing around you.

I'm always really surprised when I revisit old journals or blog posts from years ago, because it seems like the person who wrote them is so radically different from who I know myself to be.