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Thinking about how my psychosis never got to the levels of badness I keep hearing about from other people, and feeling really lucky that I was both aware of my psychotic family history and had a baseline level of knowledge about psychosis.
It's not that I broke from reality so much as reality broke up with me.
I'm trying to think of what the most terrifying (to other people) thing I did while psychotic was.
I think it was the time I cannonballed into a lake that people were already swimming in (enough distance away from people that no one got hurt or splashed) without taking my pants off first.
I did, however, remember to remove my phone and jewelry. Because there's doing psycho shit, and then there's doing psycho shit that would cost me money.
I think it was the time I cannonballed into a lake that people were already swimming in (enough distance away from people that no one got hurt or splashed) without taking my pants off first.
I did, however, remember to remove my phone and jewelry. Because there's doing psycho shit, and then there's doing psycho shit that would cost me money.
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"I can sea the clear cloudless sky but I can also hear the rain" is a fun experience.
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Oh, fantastic, even though we cleaned up the spilled tea we now have ants running around the office.
Sometimes they run around on me. And sometimes I think there's an ant but nope, turns out it was a hallucination.
Sometimes they run around on me. And sometimes I think there's an ant but nope, turns out it was a hallucination.
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I remember that the weekend I had my psychotic break I went to a near-stranger's house, awkwardly avoided interacting with their baby, and watched the movie Hackers, but I don't remember if this was before or after I started hallucinating.
I do recall that the baby's dad was the most involved, affectionate dad I've ever met though.
I do recall that the baby's dad was the most involved, affectionate dad I've ever met though.
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The hallucination du jour is apparently low level hissing, like someone is letting the carbonation out of a bottle of soda.
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Sleep obviously isn't happening, so I'm going to fight my various accounts to ensure my name change went through.
Just me, the darkness, and my hallucinations.
Just me, the darkness, and my hallucinations.
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I can't tell if we have multiple flies, one really buzzy one, or one normal one and hallucinations.
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Oh man, I remember the woman, and up until that point I had considered her the mother my mother should have been, I remember how she not only laughed at me for having normal human responses to surviving 20+ years of trauma, not only did she take away my sketchbook and gel pens when I was trying to calm myself down from the subsequent breakdown, not only did she force me to put on nice clothes and go out to visit her friends that I'd never met before, she then had the nerve to yell at me because I straight-up couldn't talk.
And then when I left the next morning she left me a letter telling me that I ought to dump my partner because otherwise I would drag them down with me.
And then when I left the next morning she left me a letter telling me that I ought to dump my partner because otherwise I would drag them down with me.
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My newest hallucination is apparently the sound of a fly buzzing around the room.
This one isn't dangerous or anything, but it sure is annoying.
This one isn't dangerous or anything, but it sure is annoying.
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New hallucination: the sounds of heavy rain and strong wind. I looked out the window and it's perfectly clear, so, that's fun.
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On one hand, I'm furious at the woman who harassed me to the point where I had my psychotic break.
On the other, I talked to my psychiatrist and she confirmed that if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else - my father, my in-laws, my boss, some random republican blowhard, the possibilities are really endless here.
On the other, I talked to my psychiatrist and she confirmed that if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else - my father, my in-laws, my boss, some random republican blowhard, the possibilities are really endless here.
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I was taught in my psychology class that most people who develop psychosis do so between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two.
I knew that my older sibling, father, and grandfather all had it, so I was relieved when I hit my twenty-second birthday without it.
Six months later I had a psychotic break.
Life's a real asshole sometimes.
I knew that my older sibling, father, and grandfather all had it, so I was relieved when I hit my twenty-second birthday without it.
Six months later I had a psychotic break.
Life's a real asshole sometimes.
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The good news is that, when I forgot my meds the last few months, I would lie awake thinking "oh god my partner is going to leave me for some eighteen-year-old gender-conforming blond".
Which isn't fun in the slightest, but it certainly isn't as life-destroying as what I used to think about before antipsychotics and therapy, which was "oh god, I'm going to get deported to a country where I don't speak the language, where everyone thinks I ought to be beaten to death".
Which isn't fun in the slightest, but it certainly isn't as life-destroying as what I used to think about before antipsychotics and therapy, which was "oh god, I'm going to get deported to a country where I don't speak the language, where everyone thinks I ought to be beaten to death".
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I'm pretty sure I've had a few auditory hallucinations in the past couple of weeks. Not exactly fun, but they're not so bad.
It's the delusions I'm worried about. I did briefly have one ("my pillow is actually a tarantula" - always horrible), but not nearly at the level I was before. We'll see how it goes.
It's the delusions I'm worried about. I did briefly have one ("my pillow is actually a tarantula" - always horrible), but not nearly at the level I was before. We'll see how it goes.
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Godfuckingdamnit, this state recognizes psychosis as a potential reason to be declared incapacitated.
Layperson's terms: someone unscrupulous (like my parents) could try to claim that my marriage isn't legal because I was actively psychotic at the time.
Layperson's terms: someone unscrupulous (like my parents) could try to claim that my marriage isn't legal because I was actively psychotic at the time.
My high school psychology teacher told me that most people develop psychosis before age twenty-two.
On my twenty-second birthday, I breathed a sigh of relief: my father, grandfather, and great-grandmother's psychosis skipped me.
Six months later, I had a psychotic break.
On my twenty-second birthday, I breathed a sigh of relief: my father, grandfather, and great-grandmother's psychosis skipped me.
Six months later, I had a psychotic break.
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Someone: "Yeah, this drug is great, it makes you see things that aren't there!"
Me, a Verified Psychotic(TM): "..."
Me, a Verified Psychotic(TM): "..."
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